Guru,
Its 2:31 in the morning and I can't sleep. I look at you from time to time because I love watching you sleep (you will find out when I show you all your sleeping pictures). This journey has been such a rollercoaster of emotions. I often wonder what Im gonna learn from all of this.
Being a mom hurts. Sometimes.
There its so much that I dont know.
There its a lot of fear. But also laughs.
And your little body carrying that thrifted dinosaur you love so much.
You are simple, guru. People buy you gifts but you prefer to play with the box. You prefer to look at my lips move when Im reading you a story.
You find joy, pure joy, in fruits.
And food, in general.
I know that you dont understand whats happening to you and its so hard for me to watch you going through this because when you are upset I cant remember that joyful baby of mine. It all seems so distant.
Im here with you but Im not. I cant relate to you. I cant heal you. I cant make you sleep better.
One thing its for sure, my teacher:
You only need my arms to be happy.
People might say I let you suffer but they dont know about the hours we spend on the couch hugging just so that you dont think about your pain.
One day, you will grow older and I hope you dont remember this part of your life that you dont deserve. But I do hope you know that hugs are the best medicine.
For an itchy itchy bod.
For a heart~aching mama,
That every day wonders if she is doing it right.
