From this side

I remember the day I told my dad I was pregnant. I was so scared. I said: 'dad, I need to tell you something. Please, don't be mad at me.' And he said: 'you are pregnant'.

I was in shock... I couldn't speak.

 'Right?' 

And I whispered a yes. 

He became an infinite laugh and said 'I thought this day was never gonna come'. I was confused: 'what? You are not mad?' And then he said 'I was already given up on you having kids. You only think about school and books... I never thought you were gonna have kids. Its about time! You need to live your life.'

 I cried. I was so happy he was happy. From that day on every time we spoke on the phone he would ask me about the baby first. He was so excited about this new grandbaby!

My dad started to get more and more sick by the time I was ready to give birth. I would call him and he would answer asking if the baby was already 'here'. After my 'nope, not yet', he would say something that would break my heart: 'Im not gonna get to meet him.'

And then I gave birth. And I described my baby to him: 'he has your ears and your nose.' 'He cries a lot during the night.' 'He is so chubby.' And he would say something that would break my heart: 'Im not gonna get to meet the chubby guy...Im old, mija.'

But he waited for us. He met my baby. He spent a whole afternoon with him in his arms. I felt my dad's energy that day: proud, happy, relieved; IN LOVE. I could tell he was so in love. 

We both knew he was not going to see Che grow, but he waited for us. There was ONE thing he needed to do before crossing the river. There was one thing *I* needed before saying goodbye. 

Sometimes I look at Che and he would have the same serious~quite face I remember about my dad. And it makes me happy. That even from the other side of the river he still remembers how to make me smile.

Here

Motherhood is my biggest adventure; my biggest accomplishment even though sometimes it feels like I'm the biggest failure.

I don't expect to know all the answers, neither to be all perfect; so on those days that I feel like I'm losing my shit I leave everything I'm doing, wrap my baby next to my chest and take a walk... ~~ I don't know all the answers. I might feel like a shitty mom sometimes but my guru chose me. From all the souls in the universe he decided my womb was his new home, my arms his new comfort, my bed his new bed. And then all my questions fade. The place between the 'wtf' and the 'what if' become the sacred space of the now, of the infinite learning, the infinite grateful spirit, the I dont wanna be anywhere but HERE.