When I found out that we were pregnant I didn’t feel fear, but excitement and joy. I knew that this was supposed to happen; that this soul chose me/US to be his/her parents and I surrendered to that will with humbleness. I had the most magical pregnancy. My body was doing what it’s
supposed to do and I was in love… In love with Aaron, in love with the journey.
(37)
After 41 weeks and 3 days of pregnancy my body was exhausted.
I felt too big for my frame and it was even a little uncomfortable to walk
because my feet got so huge, and my knees and hip were hurting. Even with the
discomfort that pregnancy can bring, my body was full of magic: I never
experienced morning sickness, or bad headaches, or back pains… I guess the
little discomforts that I did experience were nothing compared to the
excitement of this new life that was growing inside of me.
By the end of my pregnancy we were too anxious to meet baby
Mikael, and we were trying everything to induce my labor naturally, but
obviously, nature is wiser. He knew exactly when he was coming. After trying
walks, sex, pineapple, pregnancy tea, Mexican food, etc. in a weekend, Tuesday
night I had the idea to do some visualizations. I had been sleeping all Monday
so I was pretty awake that night while Aaron was already asleep. After I watched
a couple episodes of “How I met your mother,” I turned off the lights and put a
cd on to do some guided visualizations. I did an hour and then felt like going
to bed even though I wasn’t tired. I took a long warm shower and while there I
talked to Mikael a little… I told him that I wanted to meet him on the earth
side and that if I was rushing things too much, to forgive me but to understand
that I was ready and that my body was tired.
I got into our room quietly, scared to wake Aaron up, but he
was already awake. He tried to scared me and he did. It was dark in our room
and as I snuggled in bed with him I had no idea that my labor was so close. I can’t
remember what we did after I came into the room but half an hour or an hour
later I felt a cramp… I have been feeling cramps for almost 2 weeks but this
time they were different. They were telling my body to stand up and walk, not
to stay in bed all snuggled with Aaron. It was 3 am when this started to happen
and as I noticed they were coming and going (not like before were they were
mild but consistent, like a period cramp) I ask Aaron to time them. They were 5
minutes apart: since the BEGINNING! I wasn’t prepared for that. They weren’t
too strong, but they reminded me of the word “contraction” as I experienced
them: it felt like a cramp, yes, but also like the whole universe inside my womb was contracting in an echo that was getting louder and louder.
The sun was rising and my signs of early labor were even more
obvious. I texted Megan, my friend, and I told her that that was it… It was my
time. Before, I kept telling her I felt it was the moment, but now I was sure.
Aaron called our midwife and she asked us to get some rest…but we couldn’t. My
contractions were a little too intense to rest. I tried though, to keep
watching my show, but I couldn’t. I tried to lie on the couch, but it was
uncomfortable.
Patia, my doula, came early to check on me. At this point my
contractions were taking my breath away, so she would let me hang on her neck as
she massaged my pelvis and rub my back. I told her the bed was uncomfortable so
she put a stack of pillows on the corner of the bed and a little blue stool on
the floor so that I could sit on that and rest my head on the pillows. It was the
only position I could stand at this point. I was getting in tune with my body
and it felt like I only was listening to her and ignoring Aaron, but feeling
his energy. His energy was all over: intense and beautiful, exciting and nervous…I
think anxious more than anything.
I felt very vulnerable; like a baby that didn’t know what was
happening to her body and how to control it… I was at the expectation of more
but that little sensation happened to seem too much for me at the moment.
Patia would keep massaging my arms and legs while I had my head on the pillows
and my eyes closed. The massage would give me goose bumps and as I felt them I
would imagine my body opening up. It was the perfect visualization for my early
labor as I prepared myself for the journey. It was still very early in the
morning and with my eyes closed, I heard Aaron making pancakes in the kitchen…
Diana, my midwife, came in later… I cried on her chest and I
whispered to her “It hurts.” She recommended that I take a walk, go grocery
shopping, or watch a movie… But those weren’t activities I wanted to do...at all. I was in labor, I was breathing my labor in and out and she was asking
me to do things I thought my body wasn’t capable of doing anymore. Patia had
other plans. She asked me to go down the stairs… and then to step outside. I
did. I went outside and felt the weather. It was such a beautiful morning. So
fresh, and clear. I remember thinking: “it feels like *the* day”. Patia held
my hand and asked me to walk with her; to tell her a story. I did. Barefoot, all
over our Hempstead street, stopping with every contraction. And again, she would
let me hang on her neck and massage my pelvis. People were passing by; cars
were passing by too… I didn’t care. I was getting there.
After that walk everything seemed to start getting more real.
Aaron started setting the birthing tub and I started to get more and more
uncomfortable in every position. I can’t remember much of the transition, I
just know there was a point where my moans were stronger and longer, I was in
my underwear, and I would go to the shower more often to pee. Yes, I started
peeing in the shower instead of the toilet.
The tub was ready. Patia brought more pots to warm up the
water on the stove and during the day she would keep bringing hot water to the
tub as I lie there. She asked Aaron to step in with me. It felt like heaven…The
water and Aaron’s body. We stayed there for hours. Literally: HOURS. I, lying
on him, squeezing his hand every time I felt a rush. At some point I was able
to close my eyes and sleep/dream laying on him until the next rush… Those
minutes felt so good. I felt so loved by him… Patia would leave us alone and
tell us to “love on each other” and that’s how it felt: it felt that we loved
on each other even without saying anything.
I don’t have many memories of what happened during the day. I
just remember being in and out of the tub, walking around the house half naked,
having Patia feeding us carrots with hummus, a protein shake, or water (that
woman kept me hydrated!). I remember the hours were really surreal: the day
went slow but fast. By the end of the night I know I looked outside (from the
window in my shower) and it was dark, just like in the morning when I started
feeling my rushes. It felt like I spent the whole day, a whole cycle, in labor.
When I was completely dilated my midwife pointed out that I
needed to pee. I haven’t been peeing at all, and that was making my rushes
stronger. They tried to put a catheter but couldn’t so I went again to the
shower, followed by Patia. I tried to pee by myself with no luck. I had a talk
with her, I cried, I screamed---very loud---very animalistic. I was so exhausted:
I just wanted to push my baby out, and I remember the feeling of me pushing him
with every rush because it felt natural… I remember her asking me about my fears
but I can’t remember my answers. That talk made me realize that something
needed to change. I know that what I was experiencing was more than labor. My
bladder was too full and it was making everything more intense. I talked to
Aaron and I told him we needed to go to the hospital. We cried a little while
in the shower away from Diana and Patia. I felt disappointed in myself/my body
because I couldn’t do something that is supposed to come out of you naturally:
PEE! And that was holding my dream of having a peaceful birth. Now I had to run
to the hospital: to everything I didn’t want to give Mikaél. It was so
frustrating. But, at the same time, now looking back to that night, my
mind/soul/heart were so present, so in tuned and connected to each other. I
needed to go to the hospital. Aaron says (and I believe that too) that Mikael
chose this path; he told us what to do in his infinite wisdom. We trusted him:
I was crying, still half naked in the middle of the living room, while Aaron
put a dress on me.
We had to drive almost an hour to the hospital and when we
got there they put a catheter and broke my water. I felt so relieved. Though,
because I was 10 cm dilated already and have had been in labor for so long I
told Aaron I wanted some medicine, so he asked for it and after I got it I
could rest a little and prepare myself for “the big show”. I was so ready; so
excited to meet my baby earth side. I was calm, even relaxed. Aaron would keep
telling me I looked beautiful, despite I probably looked beyond tired.
After an hour I
started pushing and apparently I wasn’t progressing too much, so the doctor told
Aaron she was considering a C-section or the forceps because my pelvis was too
small for my baby. Obviously, the C-section wasn’t an option, so we decided to
do the forceps. I had no idea what that was. I’ve never heard that word in my
life and when I saw them I was terrified. At this point, I felt so empowered by
the moment: I just wanted to see my baby! So I pushed, the doctor pulled, I heard
everyone cheering up, and I heard Aaron telling me he could see his hair… I saw
him crying… And we got him out. They put him on my chest and I felt him so
heavy on me… he was so warm!
Aaron’s face was completely priceless: full of tears of joy.
I will never forget that face. I’ve never seen him more beautiful.
Mikaél got here at 2:37 am on August 14. 8 pounds, 20 and ½ inches.
Aaron brought him back to me and he was so perfect! All the dreams I had about
him before were nothing compared to what I had in front of me. He was so beyond
amazing.
Did I get discouraged when we decided to go to the hospital?
Yes. Was I scared? No. I owned and I will keep owning my birth story forever.
This is how it was supposed to happen; this is how Mikaél wanted to be born. He
knew there was going to be some complications in the process and he guided us
to what he believed was better for the both of us.
We trusted the journey, and
the sacredness of it. Birth is sacred, no matter what.
I got my peaceful birth because I learned what that really means: to
give birth is quite a violent, dramatic act; but I’m lucky because I got the
healthiest, most perfect baby after that journey...and there is nothing more peaceful than that.
We spent 20 hours at home laboring, loving the moment, Aaron standing by me like the most loyal warrior…welcoming
this new soul into our lives, holding a sacred space for him.
My house wasn’t
the same that day. In my memories, my house had a different glow; it looked
kind of like a good dream. Even how it sounded was different. I was very vocal,
but everyone around me was quite, whispering; so loving.
All the windows were open. Fairfield felt brighter and opened.
Aaron always had his arms open. My body kept opening. Everything, waiting for
him, was like a hug from the sacred Mother Universe.
