Our bed, not yours

(An open letter about cosleeping)

            I knew that as I treated my son in the womb, I would continue listening to him on the earth side. We didn’t even question the sleeping arrangement we wanted to make for him. At first, Aaron bought a ton of wood to build Che’s very own crib but soon we realized that a crib wasn’t “us” at all. So, what did he do with the wood? He built a family bed. A bed for all of us.

Knowing that bed sharing has been part of the lives of families for centuries in different cultures around the world (did you know that in Japan where bedsharing and breastfeeding is a norm, the rates of the infant death syndrome are the LOWEST IN THE WORLD), we found that it was logical to keep Che close to us after his birth.  Despite all the stinky eyes from our families and the fears they had of us “smashing” the baby during our sleep, we listened to our gut/ovaries/testicles, because we are the parents of this baby and we stand firm by our decision of keeping him close to us. The transition to life outside the womb is traumatic enough: Che experienced a change in temperature, more loud and abrupt noises,  hard surroundings, air instead of water, clothes instead of nakie bum, SPACE: so much space. Suddenly, after “life” changes completely and after being so snuggled up inside of mom you have to live with all “this” space around you.  How would you explain a newborn that her place in this world now is away from the person who kept them inside of her for 9 months? That first week of us as a family of three I spent it on the couch, sleeping with Che on my chest. It was the only way he would sleep AND let me sleep. It was part of my instinct when I figured out that he wasn’t going to sleep if he wasn’t on me but later on I read about Dr. Nils Bergman, of the University of Capetown, who recommends that for an optimal development healthy newborns should sleep on their mother’s chest for the first weeks. Duh! It makes perfect sense! He was THAT close to me and society wants me to put him in a crib? No, thanks.

            People would keep complaining openly to us about our choice (choices...but that would have to wait for another post) and there was nothing I could say that would take that image off of their head of us killing our baby in bed. And of course there was not going to be someone in our apartment helping us by getting up with us every time the baby cried if we ever decided to have a nursery.   * deep sighs * Always amazed by how vocal people are about other’s people parenting decisions and how LITTLE they have in the matter.

            I can’t talk about the benefits  of a crib/nursery because we didn’t have one. But before even reading about all the benefits and studies made on cosleeping/bed-sleep sharing I knew that what we were doing was the right “move”. My midwife immediately approved to our decision. She was actually happy about it and would tell us to tell other people against cosleeping that she recommended it (yeah, cause people feel more inclined to hear these crazy things are oh-kay if someone with a degree says its oh-kay *roll eyes*). 

She told me about this couple, client of hers, that had a nursery. She said it was beautiful. They had so many things in that room. But it was on a downstairs floor. The parents used to sleep in a whole different floor away from their newborn!!! And I have to say, to each their own…but if that was us I would’ve drive myself crazy. Why, you ask? 

1- Che had very bad reflux. He used to cry non stop no matter what I did. Yes, babies cry, but it was obvious he was in pain. 2- He also nursed/nurses very often during the night. And after the nursing came the crying.  Yes, because of the reflux. If we had a nursery/crib I would’ve not been able to sleep in my bed, literally. I mean it, literally.  And then after seeing him throwing up while being on his back my paranoid self thought: if my baby chokes and stops breathing while being in a crib, how I’m going be able to recognize it? Yes, monitors, you say. Fuck monitors, I say.

            Before starting to read about cosleeping (to “defend” myself against the “world”) I knew/felt that sharing sleep and bed with my baby would develop a sense of awareness about this other being next to me different from the awareness you have when you sleep with someone else, say a significant other. And that is one of the many benefits I love about cosleeping: that awareness helps the mother AND the baby respond to each other cues and sensory signals, not only during bed time. Studies show that babies sleeping near the parents have more stable temperatures, regular heart rhythms, and fewer long pauses in breathing compared to babies who sleep alone, according to Dr. Sears.

            James McKenna, PhD,  suggests that cosleeping responsibly could safe lives. Dr. Sears, on the other hand, says that bed sharing is safer than crib sleeping by quoting The Consumer Product Safety Commission that published data describing infants dying in adults beds, BUT the data showed more than 3 times as many crib related infant fatalities compared to bed sharing accidents. Quoting another study Sears concludes that cosleeping did not increase the risk of SIDS, unless the mom was a smoker or abused alcohol (and I’m going to add: drugs and obesity). So, yes, accidents do happen but under sad circumstances. McKenna compares the fear of killing a baby in bed with parents who drive drunk with their infants in their cars seats, unstrapped. Because these babies die in car accidents nobody can drive with babies in their cars because, duh, car transportation is mortal for infants.

               So, when you say we are going to kill Che during our sleep, you are implying we are not responsible and that we haven't read shit about parenting and that we are winging this whole thing. And we don't appreciate that.

MIND YOUR OWN BED.

Here, some articles about cosleeping: 

Cosleeping and Biological Imperatives: Why Human Babies Do Notand Should Not Sleep Alone

11 benefits of cosleeping

Scientific Benefits of Co-sleeping

Co-sleeping: Yes?, No?, Sometimes?