living in Mother~hood street

Some women dream about getting married and having children...a full kitchen with multiple pairs of feet running around; children with their mouths full of fresh cut fruit. I wasn't one of those. I wanted to write poetry, I wanted to do graffitis on the streets of San Juan, I wanted to be on the newspapers talking about Communism, I wanted to teach feminism to young people. I didn't want a belly or the pair of feet. But they came to me,

and I humbled myself.
and I prayed for wisdom.
and I surrendered to the Universe...to whoever decided I was ready to be a mama.

Motherhood is devotion, I learned as I accepted the fact that this blessing was given to me for a reason.

He (my guru) came to me and I didn't have a clue of what I was doing.

But motherhood is devotion. And you got to listen carefully.

I learned not to listen to others so much.

Others know shit... they don't know your baby. Your baby is different. Not every baby is the same. Those charts mean nothing. Their baby probably don't cry all night long.

And they probably have never cried with their baby at 3 am because he doesn't want to go to sleep.

But there was me... crying, loudly, like a teenager with a broken heart because my empty chest didn't make my son go to sleep. I was exhausted. At the edge of going crazy. And I doubted
myself. Is this meant to be? What the hell I'm doing wrong? This gentle parenting is bullshit. Parenting is not gentle. Parenting hurts, it makes you cry at 3 am.

And there we were... both crying in bed.

He noticed he wasn't the only one crying. And he turned his face, he rolled over and touched my face. My son recognized my sadness and frustration for the first time. He kept touching my face and making his signature happy noise. I stopped crying and got my faith back into to my body.

I've had many nights like that...

Motherhood reminds me of the Sadhus in India. There most be a Sadhu that cried over delicious ripe fruits because they made a promise of not eating it. But they know that the sacrifice is worth it...more than worth it. They know they will learn something from that spiritual "challenge" and that its going to get "easier".

And it does get easier. Especially in the mornings...

My guru wakes up so happy to see me. He seems to know what kisses are already, or at least he values closeness. I know he wants me to forget about my own monsters and my own doubts. In the mornings, motherhood seems so different. Such a happy place. A place to recharge batteries and humble myself once again; to put all my faith in the Guru...because he seems to know how to guide me. How to teach me better lessons from and for the heart.

I trust him.

Like a very loyal devotee.

I'm getting there...